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erinalltheway
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Name: Erin
Location: St. Louis, Missouri, United States
Gender: Female
Interests: sports, guys, friends, food, driving, paintballing, girl talk, movie nights, late movie nights, God things, deep conversations, paying bills, hm....GOD! I LoVe God thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis much :)
Expertise: being me
Occupation: Student
Industry: Art
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  soccrwomn986
Member Since:
5/30/2005
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| that scene amazes me, in pirates of the carribean, when even though she didn't choose him, norrington showed that he still cared for her by directly addressing his heartfelt desire for Will to care for and devote himself to her. That's huge. I've seen it where the guy treats a girl like trash if he just doesn't get her or doesn't get what he wants from her, much less if she objectively chooses someone else over him. yikes. So why agree to be with a guy at all if it's probable that he'll only treat me well if he gets his way, and if not, i get to be the doormat he wipes his feet on when walking out?
To every guy who might claim to love me, i have reason to doubt, due to past experiences, which makes it a possible unreasonable doubt simply based on prior guys, but nonetheless, that he really does....love me. So many guys fall so hard, so fast for the girl that they like at the time. So if he's liked and gone out with and been with a number of girls before me, who he claimed to like as much as he claims to like me, what does that make me? Another notch in his belt? Not that he's trying to gain a history with girls necessarily, but if i'm number 4, what's to mean there won't be a number 5? What's there to make me feel special; meaningful to him. What's to say I'm special? Who? Not him. Not if it's the same thing girl 1,2, and 3 were also told and made to feel.
I suppose, it's not an awful thing that he may have liked, even loved deeply, before me, and it just didn't work out. That he may be able to with me, and it might work out, if in fact I can find it in myself to believe him and to let myself love in return without my fear of becoming another number on his list let me push him away. But I suppose that's one of my greatest fears with guys. Being number next. | | |
| so i'v been really dogging myself lately, and I was so sick of life and waking up and the whole bit, so I felt my heart whispering a prayer...the kinds of prayers that i subconciously think (like during a movie or something) "i should definatley pray about this" and then while it's still formulating into a describeable problem, God's already gone and done and answered my prayer :D
Here's what i'm sayin... I've been so hung up on how I think others will view me, mainly, people of the past. People who saw me when I "had it all together" or so it feels like. I guess right now i just have SO many questions and doubts and fears that I'm doing everything wrong since I've never done it like this before, had these temptations, or wrestled with these issues. Was my faith stronger then....or is it becoming real for the first time? Maybe I'm experiencing what others did in middle/high school, while at that time I was just kinda coasting along on my standards, while now i'm wondering what the hell i want. or if I even want to say hell. I DON'T KNOW! I just don't know. But I'm finding out, and maybe I will be for a while. BUT, what it is that God provided, was this indescribeable okayness with being me. it was a conversation in my head between a person and me, and it wasn't God in the all holy form, and it was easy cuz i didn't realize it was him until afterwards, cuz in this idea, it was just a pretty cool guy friend.
(it's a pretty private conversation, so you're out of the loop for now) him: So, have you ______?
me: nope :)
him: have you _____?
me: nope :)
him: have you _____?
me: trying not to :)
him: are you taking your meds?
me: yup :D. On my way to becoming a whole new person :)
him: ........so, what happened to the old erin?
me: *somewhat downcast* she crashed and burned. Sometimes I think it'd be easier to just start over new than to try and pick up the pieces of her and work with them. And I've been so unwilling to tell anyone with how i've struggled and am struggling, cuz i'm afraid that people who knew me back when, will say "oh, well, i liked the old erin...i don't think i like the new one" Psh, which is WHY I crashed and burned, cuz i was only ever being who I thought other people wanted me to be. I went out looking for myself, and sure, i could'a lived wtihout some of it, but i didn't, and here i am. take me or leave me, this is the new she. okee?
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| Is anyone watching?
*looks around*
I don't think so...it should be ok So, I've been thinking about times in my life that i've enjoyed, but also now think I probably shouldn't have done. Ugh, and most cases begin with the "guh" sound. It's so confusing too, the mix of things. Enjoying as well as feeling all not cool about it. "Why did I do that? Why did I let that happen? why why.." BUT, I have great friends who help me not make more mistakes that i've been on the brink of, and great friends who also let me know that yeah, I probably could have done without doing those somethin somethins, but I've learned (i think), and am growing from that part of my life's story. just DON'T DO IT AGAIN! Ugh, but it's so hard sometimes. I know...God knows what he's saying when he talks about the when and where and how things are supposed to happen. Duh, he created life, so he knows how it's best lived for the most fulfillment, and simultaneously, for his glory. I just keep slipping, and can see myself doing it again if I get in those situations. "So don't get in those situations" yeah, yeah. But wait...for his glory. So, it's not just me that this stuff's affecting. ohhhh...it's him too. Well shoot then, I'm done. | | |
| What can I say that the orater has left unsaid?
What can I say that the scholar hasn't somewhere read..
that a poet hasn't put to song that hasn't been there all along
Chorus
Nothing new or unique can I write or can I speak, but I tell you from this heart of praise, I love you, I love you, from deep within my soul I do,
I love you.
What can I do that the hero hasn't had to prove?
What can I do that the martyr hans't had to choose..
that a parent hasn't sacrificed
a friend won't do to pay your price
Chorus 2x
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| In Flanders Fields
By: Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae, MD (1872-1918)
Canadian Army IN FLANDERS FIELDS the poppies blow
Between the crosses row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below. We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields. Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.
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